Freaky Friday: Snow White and the Huntsman

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*Rant warning* I want my two hours of life back. I'm not kidding. I'm tempted to sue the creators of Snow White and the Huntsman. Nothing saved this movie. Not Charlize Theron in all of her usual brilliance, not staring at hottie Chris Hemsworth, not even 7 armed dwarfs. Nothing. I honestly thought the worst part would be Kristen Stewart's acting and the rest might be half way decent. Oh my, so wrong, so very very wrong.
Let start with the story...oh wait, we can't! There is no story. It starts out like the typical fairy tale, evil stepmother kills father, becomes Queen and puts little princess in a tower. Okay, fine. Then, little princess grows up i.e. "comes of age" and escapes. Great, I'm on board. Love to see a kick butt princess who saves herself instead of waiting for the white knight to show up. But...

Mirror, Mirror, Let the Queen win!

It all goes to hell. Actually, no, if Snow White would have journeyed to Hell like Dante's Inferno, THEN it might have been interesting. But, no, she travels to a creepy mushroom-inducing hallucinogenic forest, which serves no purpose. Onward to a regular forest, where she meets the obligatory dwarfs, which serves no purpose other than to meet said dwarfs. Then to a pretty forest, enhancted by fairies, and meets a special stag, which all serves no purpose. Noticing a theme yet? Then, we have her traveling over hills like the Fellowship in New Zealand Middle Earth, which...wait for it...serves no purpose. Afterward, we travel through ANOTHER forest, this one snow-ridden, which serves no purpose. To FINALLY, after I don't know how many days, get to the castle of the Duke where she can raise an army to kill the Queen. Here's the kicker...

Look, another forest. Surely, we must travel through it.

The Duke's son, her childhood friend, originally rode to the castle to join the Queen's hunting party and re-capture Snow White. His real agenda is to save her but that's not important to my point. It took him MAXIMUM three hours from the Duke's castle to the Queen's castle and...ready...he didn't have to go through ANY FORESTS!!! AHHH!

This showdown brought to you by the 30 Second Starz Bunnies.

If that wasn't bad enough aka having no purpose, the epic showdown between Snow White and the Queen lasts...oh about thirty seconds. WHAT? You kept me traveling through unnecessary forests for a thirty second climax? (Insert dirty joke here). GIVE ME MY MONEY AND LIFE BACK!

See, easy!

Oh and one more thing, if you put a hottie like Chris Hemsworth in a movie, I better be getting a shirtless scene! Nope. Not with Snow White. Apparently, she's too pure. *Snort* Right.

Rating: Big fat F.